Once Upon a Drabble
by Authoressinhiding
Summary: This contains my various silly, Sue-bashing oneshots put together in one place for convenience and listed in order of publication. Let the randomness begin!
1. The Elleth and the Mumakil

"What is going on here?" Aragorn surveyed the scene with his keen grey eyes.

A beautiful elleth was riding the leader of a herd of white mumakil ridden by elves. She smiled at him, and his heart was swallowed up in love for her.

Then he noticed. The herd of mumakil was chasing a figure about the plain. It was Sauron!

The elleth smiled at him again. This time the man felt only cold fear. If she could do that to Sauron, what was she capable of doing to him?


	2. Legolas vs the Angst

Published 1-31-06

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the writer.**

* * *

"Will you stop that!" Legolas yelled, glaring at the teenage girl perched comfortably on her bed with the typewriter balanced on her lap.

"Stop what?" she asked, looking up. Her hair was brown, and her eyes were a gray color.

The elf stared out the window for a moment as he thought of what to say.

"Stop writing those evil stories! The ones that involve Aragorn, Elrohir, Elladan, and me. The ones where we are tortured and almost killed. The ones where we get poisoned. The ones with guilt. All those, as you call it, angsty fics!" he raged.

The girl looked at him calmly.

"What's wrong with them?"

"I don't like people writing lies about my friends and me. Painful lies, too, what's worse!"

"Angst is some kind of anxiety, Legs. What do you have against anxiety?"

"It's not just the anxiety. It's having people torture me without my permission!"

"Legolas, you're such a drama queen." And with that, the fanficcer turned back to her keyboard and popped her gum. Hmm. Should she let Legolas die of the warg-bite or have him live, but suffer guilt forever because of Gimli's death? Decisions, decisions.


	3. The Council of Legolas

Published 2-11-06

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even the two writers. **

**Author's Note: Please read, enjoy, and review! Thanks!**

* * *

They forced the writer into a chair, ignoring her desperate pleas.

"Faelas!" she screamed, begging for her freedom. "Faelas!" She had learned the word with the intent to give an OC that name. "Faelas!"

The elves looked disgusted. Haldir bound her tightly to the chair, using "real Elvish rope".

"Why?" spat Legolas bitterly. He was the group's leader. "Why should we show you mercy, you who gave none to us?"

She gulped and looked at her captors uncertainly. There were Faramir and Boromir. Lindir, Rumil, Orophin, Erestor, and Glorfindel hovered at the edge of the room. Aragorn was whispering to the twins. Eomer was congratulating Haldir on his knots. Even Elrond and Prince Imrahil sat in comfortable chairs, chatting softly about Middle-earth.

"Because you're elves," the authoress whimpered softly.

"Not all of us are," Legolas informed her.

"But you have mercy on all living creatures save the great, evil spiders of Mirkwood!" she shrieked.

"You do not qualify as a living creature anymore," hissed Celeborn venomously.

The writer cricked her neck trying to see him. Thranduil and Celeborn stood behind her chair. The other all seemed to agree; every single one of them nodded.

"Rather," the elf went on, "you are a demon that lives to cause misery and sucks the joy out of souls. You are a tyrant, ordering us – free-minded and mature children of Illuvatar – around at your will and pleasure. No humane person does that!"

"Yeah!" the others yelled, sounding very enthusiastic.

"I say we kill her!" yelled Boromir.

Legolas stepped in. "No. That would not help. There are hundreds, thousands, more of them – writers of her," he shot the write an evil look, "mindset. She is but one grain of sand along a never-ending shore. As much as ending her existence would relieve our tension, it would not end the crisis."

"But…but…but…" the authoress spluttered, "but how did you find me?"

Legolas grinned, but the smile did not reach his eyes.

"We have our informers."

"Indeed we do," Glorfindel spoke up. "That teenage girl who showed up earlier was most informative. We had to coax some of the information out of her, though."

Faramir bit his lip and held in a laugh. The girl had been informative, all right. She'd just asked to be allowed to spend a few days in Rivendell. "For research purposes," she'd said. After about three days, she'd told Legolas much of what she knew. Then, she had skipped away towards the road that led to the Shire, humming merrily.

The captive writer blanched.

"You won't… you wouldn't…"

"Miss, whatever limits or self-control we had, you and your kind have utterly destroyed," Aragorn said, breaking his silence. "What makes you think we enjoy being hassled by teenagers and forced to fall in love with them? The youngest of us is over thirty, and the elves are much older than that. We do not appreciate your meddling in our lives!"

"In short," Legolas cut in, "we are here – and, therefore, you are here – because of something called Mary-Sues."

The writer gulped. "What do you mean, milord?"

Elladan and Elrohir exchanged meaningful glances. The writer must not only be evil, she must be stupid as well.

"We mean Mary-Sues," said Legolas. "Duh."

Thranduil winced. He had no idea where his son had learned such a word.

The writer looked blank.

"Mary-Sues," the elf went on, "those teenage girl you writers put in Middle-earth."

"OC's?" the authoress asked, pretending not to understand him.

"Not 'Original Characters', Mary-Sues. They're lovely and have special powers. Most have a tragic past and angst about it all the time in the company of us," Legolas gestured to his compatriots. "That is not all. You 'authoresses' continually have us falling in love with them and having explicit sexual relationships with them. It is bad enough that you write about it, but then you go on to describe what goes on in nauseating detail! It is insufferable," the elf closed, out of breath.

The writer looked uncomfortable. Her eyes swept over the group of elves and men and found them all nodding at what Legolas had said.

Thranduil and Elrond stepped forward.

"We have noticed," began the latter, "that our children can no longer take the stress. Elladan and Elrohir will not journey anywhere without their sister or grandmother. Legolas is so jumpy he cannot be trusted with a weapon. This is your fault and the fault of those like you."

The older elves glared at the captive and then sat back down.

Legolas sighed, "We have established our anger at the situation, but not what we shall do to correct it. Any suggestions?"

"You could let me go," whispered the authoress.

Her captors all laughed mirthlessly.

"Do you really think we are willing to do that?" asked Legolas. "We seek revenge for the Mary-Sues."

"And the slash!" yelled Erestor and Glorfindel.

"Don't forget the male pregnancies!" Haldir shouted.

"Yes, all of that," Legolas continued. "You see, young lady, letting you go would not help us in our quest."

"But I don't write slash!" the writer howled. "Or mpreg! I just love you elves!"

"You write Mary-Sues," said Legolas, his eyes flashing dangerously, "and they are the worst havoc ever wrought by fan fiction writers upon Middle-earth. You are guilty of the most heinous crime in this world!"

"Isn't murder the worst?" the authoress whimpered.

"You did something worse than murder," commented Faramir quietly. "You took away our free will. You forced us to act against our natures. We will not – we cannot – allow you and your kind to go unpunished."

"Please! Let me go!" she begged. "I'll help you, I promise! Just let me go!" The writer broke down into sobs.

Legolas and Faramir exchanged glances. Should they let her go? No one else in the circles seemed the least inclined to do so, however.

"No," Aragorn smiled grimly. "I say no. She must be punished!"

"Yeah!" shouted the others. They sounded like a football team.

"I'll tell you the names of other Mary-Sue writers!" the authoress howled. "Just let me go!"

Legolas grinned, then played his trump card. "We don't need your information. One of our earlier informants revealed much in her agony."

As a matter of fact, the teenage girl had lent him her laptop and showed the elf how to use it. He had spent most of his time reading LOTR fan fiction and discovering the writers of Mary-Sues ever since. The "agony' bit referred to when she'd tripped over a sleeping Boromir and started yelling at him. Her language had been most interesting. Once again, Faramir had to strive to keep a straight face.

"If you don't need her, Legolas," said Boromir with a strange light in his eyes, "may I please kill her?"

The elf glanced at the captured writer once more.

"No, Boromir," he said slowly. "I have a better idea. She can work to repay all the wrongs she has done us."

"Ooo," whispered Lindir, "indentured servitude. This is gonna be good."

"Yeah!" everyone but the writer shouted in agreement with Legolas.

The authoress looked terrified.

"Take her away to the kitchens." Legolas waved a hand dismissively.

Rumil and Orophin untied the writer and dragged her off. Lindir followed, looking interested.

"From this day on," Legolas cried, "we will hunt down all writers of Mary-Sues! None shall survive our wrath! Hear us and witness, O Valar and Illuvatar! Never shall we turn back from this quest! Every Mary-Sue shall die!"

"Yeah!" the others cried.

"Mary-Sue writers, listen and learn!" shouted Faramir. "We are coming for you!"


	4. Least of the Nine

_The Least of the Nine_, published 2-18-06

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing, do you hear me?**

"Legolas, something's been bothering me of late," the writer said, looking up from her laptop.

"Oh?" asked the elf in question who was lounging on her bed and watching Corpse Bride.

"Yeah. You know how in Unfinished Tales of Numenor and Middle-earth it says that you accomplished least of all the Nine Riders?"

"Yes," Legolas frowned, wrinkling up his brow.

"Well, what I was wondering was, how could you do less than Boromir? I mean, well, he died."

The elf frowned even more deeply. "You shouldn't believe all you read."

"Legs, Christopher Tolkien wrote it. I believe him. So, how did you do less than Boromir, dead Captain of Gondor?"

The elf muttered something indistinct.

"Whatever, Legs. You're hopeless." The writer turned back to her laptop and wrote a few more sentences.


	5. Paranoia Comes in Handy

_Published 2-18-06_

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even the Sue's name. That belongs to Slayer3.**

There was someone behind him. Legolas could sense it. He drew his long knife from its sheath quickly and silently.

A stick crackled as it broke, and the elf whirled around. His eyes and ears were tense as he listened and looked for signs of his pursuer.

"Show yourself," Legolas whispered, wishing he had something sturdier than the knife. "Show yourself."

His father would have said he was being paranoid, but at the moment, Legolas didn't care.

"Show yourself," the elf whispered again.

The bushes behind him parted, and a girl emerged. Her hair was ebony black and her eyes were a blue/violet/green/hazel. He couldn't really tell which.

"Hello, Legolas," she smiled, displaying perfect ivory teeth. "My name is Vanyarwenmellonellethmanwe, and I'm half-elven and half-Maia."

The elf's eyes widened. He dropped his knife and reached for his bow. Without a moment's hesitation, Legolas shot the girl through the throat. He turned over her dead body with his foot and nodded in satisfaction.

"Sue," he muttered. "Thought so."

And with that, Legolas picked up his knife and headed back to his father's caves, thinking about what he was going to say to his father. He might be paranoid, but it had come in handy.

Fin.


	6. Not Me! Not This Time!

Published 2-20-06

**Disclaimer: Tolkien owns all; I own naught. :starts crying: It's not fair!**

_She looked deep into his emerald eyes and found there everything she wanted. The elf and girl drew closer…closer, touching each other, caressing each other, loving each other…_

"STOP STOP STOP!" yelled Legolas, glaring at the writer in fury. "Don't you dare put 'elf'. I'm sure we both know what's coming next. A NC-17 scene that takes you an hour to write. Don't you dare put me into that."

She turned around and faced him with a raised eyebrow. "And who else should I put in your place?"

He thought, wishing he could destroy the evil piece of fan fiction she was writing and knowing he couldn't.

"Faramir?" the elf suggested.

"Too used." She discarded his idea with a wave of her hand.

"Aragorn?"

"Again, way too used."

"Glorfindel?"

"Nope."

The elf was getting panicky now.

"Elladan? Elrohir? Erestor? Elrond? GIMLI?" he burst out, shaking in fear of what he knew she was to write.

"Gimli? Now that's an unusual one…. hmmm…perhaps."

The elf sighed in relief. "Thanks."

"No, I'll go with you," the writer smiled. The elf had taken 'perhaps' to mean 'yes'. "You're ever so much more fun to play around with."

Legolas winced.

"Come on, Legolas, read what I have written."

He shuddered. There was no way he would read that after hearing her talk about what she was going to write hours before.

"Please," the elf begged, "please, please use Faramir instead of me. PLEASE!"

She looked at him searchingly. "All right. We'll use Faramir."

Legolas smiled. The crisis had been averted…this time.


	7. Ten Walkers, Ten Riders

Published 2-25-06

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even the girl's name. That belongs to Slayer 3.**

_Elrond smiled. "The count is filled. In a week, you must depart. You shall be the Ten Walkers, set against the Nine Riders which are evil."_

"Stop right there! That won't work," Faramir pointed out.

"Yes, thank you, but I think it will. Otherwise, how will go with the Fellowship? And how doesn't it work?"

"Ten Walkers against Nine Riders? That doesn't add up. Also, why are you putting her with them in the first place?"

"Because she's beautiful and meant to be with Legolas," the writer said with a dreamy smile.

"Yeah, sure." He didn't go with it. "But there are only Nine Riders, not ten!"

"Then I'll make ten."

"You can't! There were only nine rings!"

"I'll go back and rewrite Middle-earth's history, then, and make there be ten rings."

Faramir put his head in his hands. "It won't work."

The writer smirked, "Oh, yes, it will."

_Three rings for the elven kings under the sky._

_Seven for the dwarf lords in their halls of stone._

_Ten for mortal men doomed to die._

_One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne_

_In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie._

_One ring to rule them all,_

_One ring to find them,_

_One ring to bring them all,_

_And in the darkness bind them_

_In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie._


	8. TGDTP

Published 3-17-06

**Disclaimer: I own zip, Tolkien owns all. :sniffs: 'Tisn't fair.**

**Author's Note: I hope you enjoy my crazy story based on the need to poke people and hear funny noises.**

* * *

"Poke!"

"STOP DOING THAT!" the elf yelled, extremely frustrated. "DON'T POKE ME!"

"Poke!" The girl poked him in the stomach.

"Scree!" squealed the elf.

"You made a funny noise!" the girl accused.

"Uh oh," Elladan whispered. "Uh oh."

She grinned evilly. "FUNNY NOISE! Make a funny noise!" The girl proceeded to poke Elladan in the side.

He squealed.

"HELP!" Elladan yelled. "HELP! There's a mad girl – ow! – and she's poking – ow! – me every – ow! – single time – ow! – I try – ow! – to say – ow! – something – ow!"

The girl stepped back and looked at him curiously. "Why do you say ow so much?"

"Because you're poking me!" he retorted angrily.

Just then, a hunting party of elves which included Elrohir, Legolas, Glorfindel, Erestor, and Elrond came into the clearing.

"What's going on?" Elrond asked.

The girl's eyes gleamed with fiendish pleasure.

"Minions!" she commanded, grinning wildly, "ATTACK!"

A horde of teenage girls came from out of nowhere and began poking the elves mercilessly. Elrond yelped, Legolas giggled, Elrohir screamed, Glorfindel whined, and Erestor made the funniest noises of them all.

It was another day in the life of TGDTP – Teenage Girls Devoted to Poking.

Fin.


	9. Making a Mistake

Published 4-1-06

**Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one save Lexi. And she's just a pain.**

**Lexi - Am not!**

**Authoress - ARE TOO! SO HAH! **

* * *

Lexi looked around her. _This isn't Los Angeles, _she thought. _This isn't my room. I see no Leggy posters. _The girl began to stumble through the forest. Sighing, Lexi tucked her hair behind her ears. With a gasp, she realized they were pointed.

_OMG! $#(&&$$#! I'm an elf! _Lexi's mind exclaimed joyously._ If I'm an elf, this forest must be Mirkwood! _

The extraordinarily lucky girl began looking around for Legolas. Mirkwood was his home; surely he was around here somewhere.

"Legolas," she began calling softly. "Legolas, meleth nin! Mar na le?"

Suddenly, an elf popped out of the trees just in front of her.

"Tirol vi ernil?" he asked her.

"Tir ne pen," she replied with a smile, looking appreciatively at his dark brown hair and muscular body.

_He's cute, _Lexi thought. _If things don't work out between Legs and me, well, then…_

"Follow me," the elf said courteously. All too willing, Lexi followed him.

One ten-minute walk later, they came to a clearing. Standing there practicing his archery was no one less than Thranduilion, prince of Mirkwood, otherwise known as Legolas.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! OMG, LEGGY! MELETH NIN! IT'S YOU; I'VE FINALLY FOUND YOU! LEGOLAS! SAY YOU LOVE ME!"

Legolas turned, smiled, and walked over to them until he was standing inches from Lexi.

She gazed dreamily into his big blue eyes.

"I love you," the prince whispered. "I love you now and forever."

Both of them leaned in for a kiss.

Suddenly, the other elf yelled, "April Fools!"

Lexi's mouth opened in horror as the Legolas in front of her ripped off his mask and blond wig.

"Thank you, Aragorn," the elf standing behind her said.

"You're ever so welcome, Legolas," Aragorn smiled, bundling up his mask and wig. "Only remember: next time I'm having Sue problems you have to help me."

"Deal," the brunette elf agreed. The two friends shook hands.

"Now, what to do about her?" Aragorn asked after a few minutes of long scrutiny.

Legolas grinned evilly. "I think a life in the mines of Moria would be fitting."

"Cruel, though," Aragorn pointed out.

Legolas sighed, "You're right on that. Hmmm. How about we marry her off to one of Gimli's folk?"

Lexi dropped dead out of shock, horror, and disgust at once.

Aragorn laughed. "That was a good idea, mellon nin."

Legolas nodded. "Gets 'em every time."

_

* * *

Meleth nin – my love _

_Mar na le? – Where are you?_

_Tirol vi ernil – Looking for the prince?_

_Tir ne pen – Right in one._

**A/N: Well, I hope you liked my drabble. Now, everyone, please tell me something. How many of you thought this was going to be a Sue:counts hands: WELL, YOU WERE ALL WRONG! HAH! Sorry. This is my little April Fool's Day gift to everyone. **

**Authoressinhiding ;)**


	10. Shame, Shame

Published 4-16-06

**Disclaimer: I own zip...save the writer.**

* * *

"Legolas, give me the notebook NOW!"

"NO!" The elf dived off the bed but was tackled by the irate teenager.

"Give me my notebook, Thranduilion, or else." Her eyes were narrowed in annoyance as she sat comfortably on Legolas's back. There was no need for her to finish her threat.

"Fine," he groused and handed her the beat-up spiral.

The writer flipped through the pages, checking to make sure her precious story was untouched, until she came to something new.

"What's this?" she asked in a soft, dangerous tone. "Legolas, have you been writing fan fiction?"

"No," the elf said, trying to look innocent. He made a grab for the notebook.

"Down, boy. This looks interesting." The girl began to read aloud.

_And on that day, Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, saved the world from a great and terrible danger. He saved them from the Sues. As his long, blond hair gleamed in the sunlight, all the people of Minas Tirith bowed before him, even Aragorn._

_"We thank you," they called, lying prostrate at his feet, "O Savior of Middle-earth."_

_The gorgeous elf bowed slightly to them in return. _

_"It was nothing," he murmured._

"LEGOLAS! What in all of Arda is this junk? You couldn't defeat a Sue if her hands were tied behind her back. Well, at least you couldn't in fan fic."

The elf wrinkled his nose. "Could too! And would you please get off? I think you've broken my back."

"Whatever, Legs," the girl sighed, getting up and climbing onto her bed. "This wouldn't have happened had you not stolen my notebook."

He stuck his tongue out at her.

"Legolas! There's a Sue behind you!" the writer yelled suddenly.

Legolas dove underneath her bed with the speed and grace that came from much practice.

"And you think you can defeat Sues," she muttered. "Shame, shame."

Fin.


	11. Éowyn Meets the Sue

Published 4-22-06

**Disclaimer: I own nothing ... not even the idea, really. That belongs to Slayer 3**

* * *

"Let him go."

"But…"

"Girl, I am telling you once, and one time only." Éowyn's eyes flashed in anger, and her tone was steely and dangerous. "Take your filthy hands off my husband."

Faramir gulped, looking from the beautiful girl with long gold hair and sparkling sapphire eyes to Éowyn, the woman who had killed the Witch King. He noticed with apprehension that her hand was resting on the hilt of her sword.

"Back off, witch," the girl snarled. "Faramir is soooooooooo mine. Take your ugly ugliness elsewhere."

Éowyn almost smiled at the words "ugly ugliness". "Seeing as how I consider you to be the vile, disgusting spawn of Morgoth, I would not feel any speck of remorse over killing you."

Faramir backed up. Things were definitely getting dangerous.

To spite Éowyn, the girl grabbed Faramir and kissed him on the lips.

With a snarl worthy of the Mouth of Sauron, Éowyn whipped her sword out and beheaded the wench.

"Nice one, Éowyn," Faramir commented appreciatively.

"Don't compliment me, Sirrah. We have several things to discuss when we get home."

And with that, Éowyn dragged him away. She wasn't willing to stay in Minas Tirith any longer.


	12. Crud! I'm a Sue!

Published 5-29-06

**Disclaimer: I own nothing... I think. Well, maybe I do. I DON'T KNOW, OK!**

* * *

I looked around, startled. That forest was DEFINITELY not familiar. Where was I? And then I looked down. A gasp exploded from my chest – which was now about ten bra sizes larger than it had been. Quaking, I pulled my tiny mirror from out of my pocket. My once-short, brown hair was now long, extra-shiny, and multicolored. My waist was only a few inches in circumference, and I was tall and VERY slim.

"No. Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no no no no!" I screamed, falling to the earth and beginning to cry. Thick, luminous tears slid from my eyes, which I saw, holding up the mirror, were changing colors!

Just then two elves stepped out from the trees surrounding me. At first they looked sympathetic, but then they caught sight of my appearance.

"I am a Sue," I moaned, burying my face in my hands. "I'm a Mary-Sue!"

The elves backed away from me quickly.

"Should I kill her, Prince Legolas?" one of them asked the other.

I cried even harder, for I had just realized that I could understand Elvish.

"Just give me your blade," I replied in the same language. "I have to commit hara-kiri."

"Hara-what?" wondered the other elf – Prince Legolas.

"Hara-kiri," I replied. "Samurai suicide. If I had the time, I'd perform seppuku, but I really don't want to go through all the preparations required."

They gave me an odd look.

"What? If you were in my place – don't give me that look, gentlemen – wouldn't you want to die and get rid of this body?"

"Ah…well…I…er," Legolas stammered.

"Maybe," said the first elf succinctly.

"Thank you." I stood up and sighed. My clothes were obviously of elven design, and they were blowing in the breeze. And now the idjits were looking at me. Great. Just great.

"Hey! Stop looking at me like that!" I went over to the elves and banged their heads together. "That's it!" I groaned in exasperation, grabbing Legolas's long knife. "It is officially time for hara-kiri."

"Don't do that," Legolas said slowly and thickly.

"Yeah. You're too lovely and kind to commit suicide."

* * *

Just then I woke, sweating and screaming.

"Honey, you all right?" asked my mother, coming into my room.

"No, I'm fine," I told her shakily. "Just a nightmare. A really bad nightmare."

_Fin._

* * *

**Author's Note: Hope you liked this drabble of mine. REVIEW! Ehem, (coughcough) I mean, please review, people.**


	13. Unexpected

Published 6-14-06

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Absolutely nothing. You peoples can have the writer and Sue.**

_

* * *

_

He gave her a cold, hard stare.

"_But Legolas!" she whined, not understanding what was wrong with her Leggy-kins. _

"_No!" the elf cried, and then he began to sing a song fit for the occasion._

"_I'm getting tired of you pushing me 'round  
Dragging me down  
Making a sound because you wanna  
I guess that's why I like messing with you  
Putting you through  
A lesson or two, because I'm gonna  
Before I go my own way  
I just gotta say _

__

Leave me alone  
Get out of my face  
I'm tired and low  
Feeling so misplaced  
Time for you to go  
cause I know I'm better off on my own, oh  
Leave me alone

This isn't gonna work  
Don't call me on the phone  
cause I'm all out of words  
I'll face the unknown  
Thinking about all the ways that I've grown  
Oh, Leave me alone

There was the time I thought you were the one  
Having some fun  
Getting it done  
What an illusion  
'Cause you were trying to take control of me  
That couldn't be, I need to be free of this confusion  
Don't give me a guilt trip, because I'm so over it

Leave me alone  
Get out of my face  
I'm tired and low  
Feeling so misplaced  
Time for you to go  
cause I know I'm better off on my own, oh  
Leave me alone

This isn't gonna work  
Don't call me on the phone  
cause I'm all out of words  
I'll face the unknown  
Thinking about all the ways that I've grown  
Oh, leave me alone

Don't turn around and don't look back  
I see right through all your selfless acts

Oh

Leave me alone  
Get out of my face  
I'm tired and low  
Feeling so misplaced  
Time for you to go  
cause you know I'm better off on my own, oh  
Leave me alone

This isn't gonna work  
Don't call me on the phone  
cause I'm all out of words  
I'll face the unknown  
Thinking about all the ways that I've grown  
Oh, leave me alone

If you win your love

I'll feel better on my own

Leave me alone!" he finished triumphantly.

_The gorgeous girl gave him a very odd look before swooning theatrically. "Oh, Leggy," she squealed, "you're so hawt when you sing!"_

_He caught her before she hit the ground, and they began to kiss passionately._

Meanwhile, back in the realm of semi-saneness and canon, a horrified Legolas stared at the author.

"Don't you dare," he whispered, unspoken threats lingering in his eyes and tone.

"Oh, I dare," she said with something that was meant to be a giggle – but was really more of a cackle.

"Why?" Legolas moaned, sliding off her outrageously pink bed onto the also-outrageously pink carpet. "Why?"

"Because it will make your love stronger. You did like the song, didn't you?"

The elf groaned and mentally whacked himself over the head with Gimli's largest axe, which, sadly, he did not possess at the moment. If he had it, he would have incapacitated this farce of a writer long ago.

"Sure, I liked the song," he lied through his teeth, examining the windows with a professional eye. Could he take out the screen, lift the lower part, and slip through quietly? Of course he could. He wasn't an elf for nothing.

_Fin._


	14. Director's Mistake

Published 6-23-06

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, as usual.**

* * *

"And…action!"

"Wait! I don't have to kiss HER, do I?"

"Yes, Legs, you have to kiss her."

"But…but….but…" the elf sputtered.

"YOU! WILL! KISS! HER! NOW!" I yelled in frustration.

Let me clear things up a bit. I am the biggest LOTR fan to EVER grace the universe. I have tons of talent, and, after my big novel, I decided to try my hand at directing. For my first big hit, I'd decided to do a film about the love life of one Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. After kidnapping him and doing terrible things to him until he didn't dare leave my side, I was ready to get started. The title of my film was to be, "Legolas and Leah: A Story of True Love. Now, right before the scene which was to change my movie's rating from PG-13 to R, my lead actor was getting cold feet.

"I. Will. Not. Do. It," Legolas declared, eyes glittering with loathing, pain, and malice.

"Legolas, you WILL do it. I order you to," I said with a toss of my long, somewhat greasy brown hair.

"No," he told me with deadly calm, flipping through his script. "I will not do any of those things you've written in your little childish script. Especially not with your little friend over there," he gestured to my friend Leah who was the other title character, "or in front of a movie screen." Legolas faced me defiantly, hands on hips.

"Legolas, do I need to get out the remote to your shock collar again?" I asked in a sickly saccharine tone.

Then the elf did something I'd never thought he had the guts to do, especially after all the things I'd done to him. He laughed at me. He. Laughed. At. Me. HE LAUGHED AT ME!

I saw red. How dare he! I was his best friend in the world. You don't laugh at your best friends. Well, some people do, but they're just losers.

"You ungrateful little $$#$#&$!" I cried angrily.

He stopped laughing, and an unfeeling mask came over his face. "You have gone too far, girl. I was willing to put up with your follies for a short while; that time is now over. Did you really think your tortures bothered me? They were little inconveniences, nothing more. You were blinded by your pride and greed. And now, thankfully, I leave you." With that, he vanished.

Leah and I looked at each other for a minute and then, "Ohmigosh, did you see the newBrad Pittmovie? He's SOOOOOOOOOOO hawt!"

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**Author's Note: Yes, I know, barely any of it makes sense. It's all my poor little brain could come up with right now. I've being making do with 5 hours of sleep for the last three nights...church camp. Please review, for the poor, exhausted AiH. Danke.**


	15. True Love

Published 7-28-06

**Disclaimer: If I owned it, you'd see my name in lights. But you don't, so, obviously, I own nothing. 'Cept the stupid girl. Curse her!**

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"But I love you!" she squealed, trying to break loose from her captors in an attempt to get to him again.

"No, you don't," snapped the blonde woman standing off to the right, gazing gratefully at her husband, who was gripping the girl's shoulder so tightly she thought she might pass out.

"Èowyn's right," the dark-haired lady said calmly, nodding to her husband, who was twitching as only his awesome self-control kept him from throttling the annoying teenager. "You don't really love Legolas."

Said elf was standing by the window, as far away from the girl as he could get. Each time she endeavored to reach him, he ran and hid under a large armchair in the corner.

"And why don't I?" Amanda Greenleaf Sunstone Moongem Sapphirerock Hert asked, turning up her nose.

"Because true love isn't selfish," Èowyn replied quietly, glancing down at her hands, which were unconsciously clenching and unclenching.

"If you really loved Legolas," Arwen continued, "you would want him to be happy, even if that meant he didn't stay with you." She and Aragorn exchanged loving looks.

"But then I wouldn't be happy!" the teenager complained.

"In love," Faramir began, trying hard to explain something he thought had already been explained quite clearly, "you ought to care more for the other person's thoughts and feelings than you do for your own."

"But Leggy loooooooves me!"

"Do you honestly think that?" the wood elf asked incredulously. "Do you honestly think I wouldn't rather spend my life with someone I loved? Someone who I could respect?"

"But you love me!"

"No, my misguided young… thing, he does not," Aragorn said emphatically. He was beginning to get annoyed with her insisting that his friend loved her. Anyone with eyes and half a brain could see that wasn't the case.

"Leggy, NOOOOOOOOOOO!" the girl screamed, breaking free at last and making it halfway across the room to him before Èowyn tripped her neatly. The woman who killed the Morgul King stepped back, smirking. She'd been wanting to do that for a long time.

"Leggy!"

"For the last time, you miserable spawn of Morgoth, I DO NOT LOVE YOU!" Legolas spat, thoroughly fed up with the stupid girl.

And with that, she burst into flames and disintegrated.

"I don't think we managed to convince her," Faramir said, rather unnecessarily.

The others, including his wife, turned to give him several strange looks.

"Oh, well," Legolas sighed, brushing himself off and trying to regain his lost dignity, "I shan't lose any sleep over it. At least she's dead."

"Amen to that!" the others murmured, and leaving the room, they all went off to their favorite pursuits. Faramir to his abandoned book, Legolas to his archery range, Arwen to her sewing (it was **very **stress-relieving), Èowyn to her baking (also **very** stress-relieving), and Aragorn to his kingly duties. He was looking forward to some regular occurrences after what had just happened.

_Fin._


	16. Not So Bad

Published 9-14-06

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to Tolkien. I just took it out for a spin.**

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I didn't like being rearguard. Not one little bit. It would have been no trouble to me in my home, where the trees and creatures were at least somewhat familiar and I knew what to expect. But here, nothing made sense. Terrible things popped up at every corner. Terrible people, too.

"You all right, Legolas?" Boromir asked me, slowing down enough so I would catch up with him. "You seem twitchy."

Twitchy. Oh, yes, I was twitchy. It came from never feeling safe enough to rest – not one moment! I had been on edge ever since leaving Rivendell. At least there Elrond's power was strong enough to keep _them _at bay. There was no one to help me here, however. Just a bunch of men and hobbits, a surly dwarf, and a wizard who kept on protesting that _they _meant me no harm. Yeah right. Even a blind mole could have seen it, and I was not a blind mole. Not by a long shot.

"I'm fine," I said at last, when it became apparent some reply was needed. "Just uncomfortable. AH!"

One of _them_ appeared from out of nowhere, rushing towards me with sparkling multi-colored eyes, crimson lips, and an enormous chest. Boromir calmly gave her a stunning blow with his walking stick, something he'd picked up a few days before. It knocked her out, and we continued on our way.

"Thank you," I said fervently.

"No problem, elf. I can see when someone needs help. Want me to walk back here by you for the rest of day?"

"You would be most welcome." I smiled. This man wasn't turning out to be so bad after all. In fact, I was beginning to like him.

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As always, reviews are appreciated, and flames will be used to bake pizzas. They're really good with chicken.**

**AiH**


	17. A Completely Useless Tale

_A Completely Useless Tale_, published 11-6-06

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Absolutely nothing..well, maybe one thing. Thank Slayer3 for the Sue's name. The idea, however, was 100 percent my own. **

Elizabeth Greenleaf Potter Malfoy Riddle skipped merrily through the dark woods, holding her sixteen-inch mallorn wand, which contained an angel feather in its core. She was skipping because her true love, Aragon II, son of Arathorn II, Elessar Telcontar, the Elfstone of Gondor, Strider, Wingfoot, Thorongil, the Manly Man to end all Manly Men, etc., etc. had been seen here recently. She just **had** to catch up with him before that slimy Arwen did.

"Who does she think she is, calling herself Undomiel," the teenager grumbled to herself, stroking her long blonde hair (which had auburn/sable/bronze highlights) sulkily. "She's so disgusting…. I shiver at the mere thought of her."

Suddenly, Elizabeth Greenleaf Potter Malfoy Riddle caught sight of… No, not Aragorn. It was a big fluffly pink bunny with translucent wings.

"O, big fluffly pink bunny with translucent wings!" she cried dramatically, rushing to it and throwing her arms around its fluffly…ness. "Help me! I have lost my love, and if I do not act soon, he will be stolen by a greasy elfish wench. HELP, fluffly pink bunny!"

The bunny, who was secretly a blacksmith-turned-pirate in disguise, tried in vain to hop and fly away. He'd been getting enough of teary females at home, which was why he had contacted his scallywag pirate friend and arranged for a voodoo priestess to turn him into a big fluffly pink bunny with translucent wings and send him to this strange world which had, until now, been refreshing.

"Moo," moaned the bunny, exerting all of his strength but only managing to hop a few micrometers.

"Fluffly pink bunny," Elizabeth Greenleaf Potter Malfoy Riddle asked, wiping her tear-stained cheeks on his fur (the bunny did **not** under any circumstances approve of this), "did you just moo?"

"Moo," mooed the fluffly pink bunny, giving her the glare of DOOOM that had previously sent other teary females packing. The fact that he was a bunny instead of a pirate with a cutlass undermined his glare, however, and the girl just squeezed him tighter.

"You did moo, fluffly pink bunny!" she cried.

This was getting annoying. Taking a deep breath, the fluffly pink bunny gathered all his vocal power for one last cry for help.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The sound of the bunny's annoyance made the ground shudder and several small trees fall down.

Pleased, the bunny sat back on his haunches, doing his best to knock over the annoying girl still clinging to him, and waited for someone to come running. As usual with big fluffly pink bunny with translucent wings distress calls, assistance came immediately.

"Will? Will? Oh, there you are. I was starting to get worried, boy. What is it?" And then his rescuer caught sight of the fluffly pink bunny's baggage, and the baggage caught sight of the bunny's rescuer.

She was a tall, sensible looking girl with bushy brown hair and brown eyes. There was such a no-nonsense look about her that were it not for her youth and the maple wand in her belt, she could have been someone's mother or a strict librarian.

"Mooo." Correctly interpreting this bunny-call to mean "Hermione, please help. This girl is insane," Hermione took a small step back to assess the situation.

"Who are you?" Elizabeth Greenleaf Potter Malfoy Riddle sniffed. "What is your business here? And why did you call the big fluffly pink bunny with translucent wings Will?"

"My name is Hermione Granger," answered Hermione thoughtfully, still watching both girl and bunny intently. "I'm on a student exchange here. And I call the bunny Will because his name is Will."

"Where is Aragorn?" Elizabeth Greenleaf Potter Malfoy Riddle demanded haughtily. "Where is my husband?"

After a short choking fit, Hermione smiled, pleased to be putting this annoyance in her place. "Aragorn's with Arwen, I think. They were planning a ride through Mirkwood…. yes, that's where we are. And I highly doubt that he's your husband. After all, Aragorn has been married to Queen Arwen for, oh, what is it now? Twenty or so years. By the way, who are you?"

"I am Elizabeth Greenleaf Potter Malfoy Riddle."

Hermione couldn't help it. She fell over, convulsing with giggles. The bunny's long ears, the color of cotton candy, perked up to twice their normal height as it watched the laughing witch.

"Sorry," Hermione said when she had gotten control of herself. "It's just that, oh my gosh, that was funny. It sounded as though you said you were Elizabeth Greenleaf Potter Malfoy Riddle."

"But I am," Elizabeth Greenleaf Potter Malfoy Riddle insisted.

"That can't possibly be true," Hermione went on, with the air of one explaining that one plus one equals two.

"I say it is, so why can't it be?"

"Because, for one, Elizabeth is **his**," she pointed to the big fluffly pink bunny with translucent wings, "off and on fiancé. Greenleaf is Common for Legolas or Lasgalen, the name of the elf who accompanied the Nine Companions, and neither he nor any of his siblings have spouses or children, except Ithalion, but his wife and daughter are well accounted for. All of Harry's family is dead, and I **know** he isn't married, because I spoke to him in the two-way mirror just the other day. And as for the Malfoy and Riddle parts, you don't look like a Malfoy, and I know for certain that there are no living Riddles. When Lord Voldemort's your enemy, you tend to check your sources **very** carefully," she added as an afterthought, fingering her wand unconsciously.

"What are you talking about?" Elizabeth Greenleaf Potter Malfoy Riddle shrieked, staring at Hermione with mute horror.

"You can't possibly be," Hermione mused, watching the bunny again. "You are… inconceivable, impossible, and illogical. You just…. aren't, I guess you could say. Sorry." She didn't sound or feel very sorry, though.

The girl finally released the bunny and stood up slowly, looking as if her world had fallen apart, which it had.

"What am I to do?" she mumbled, running a hand through her now mousy brown hair. "What am I to do?"

Hermione smiled sympathetically. "I know just the thing. Here," she took the other girl's arm gently, "come with me. With Thranduil's help, I can operate the portal and send you back to my world. They have places for people like you; schools where they slowly bring you back to normality. Doesn't that sound nice?"

The girl nodded softly. "I guess so."

"All right, then, come with me." Turning to the big fluffly pink bunny with translucent wings, Hermione added, "Oh, and Will? Try not to be such easy prey next time. I had to apparate to get here. I might not make it in time again."

Hopping away, the fluffly pink bunny that had once been Will Turner sniffed. Suddenly, a thought struck him.

"MOO!"

Hermione whirled and gave the big fluffly pink bunny with translucent wings an appraising look.

"All right," she murmured and mumbled something under her breath.

With a pop, the fluffly pink bunny was replaced by a handsome brunette pirate. He shook himself like a wet dog and then ran to catch up with Hermione.

"Thanks, 'Mione," he panted, brushing a lock of hair out of his chocolate eyes. "I reckon it's about time I head home, you know. Had 'bout enough of these strange girls coming and crying on me. Besides, I think Elizabeth will have hysterics when I get home…I'd rather go ahead and get them over with. The longer I'm away, the worse they'll get. Trust me. I know from experience."

Grinning, the two set off, escorting the former Elizabeth Greenleaf Potter Malfoy Riddle as they went.

_Fin._

**Author's Note: There you have it another oneshot from your friendly (ish) Internet AiH. Hope you enjoy it and give me feedback. **


	18. A Yule Present

**Disclaimer: Tolkien owns all, Ames owns the name, AiH owns none.**

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'Twas the day before Yule, and all of Minas Tirith was in a hubbub. A well-mannered, stoic hubbub, but a hubbub nonetheless. Even in the household of the King, carefully controlled holiday panicking was going on. Arwen and Éowyn had locked themselves in Arwen's solar to wrap presents for their offspring, threatening anyone who interrupted them with certain death.

Faramir bundled up in a thick cloak and set off for the horse markets. Eldarion was old enough for his first horse, and Aragorn had entrusted him with the task of picking out a spirited yet gentle pony. Muttering darkly about juxtaposition, the Steward coerced Gimli into coming with him. The Dwarf was no fan of horses, but he was company.

Sam was in the kitchen overseeing the preparations for tomorrow's feast. Pippin and Merry were supposedly helping, but they insisted on taste-testing everything for poison. Every so often a booming "Hey, you! Put that down!" echoed through the hallways, causing the cleaning maids to drop whatever they were holding. Porcelain was smashed to smithereens, and valuable silver heirlooms received unseemly dents.

The elves – Legolas, Glorfindel, Elladan, and Elrohir – snuck a few flasks of wine from the kitchens while Sam was distracted. They strolled through Minas Tirith, laughing at the stressed townsfolk. Luckily, the wine had yet to dull their common sense, and the four took care not to laugh loud enough for anyone to hear them.

Far away in Valinor, the Valar took counsel about their Yule. Each year, some entertainment was chosen to lighten the passing of days. That, and overseeing and running the world could get old fast. This time, Tulkas and Oromë came to Manwe with an idea. They had left the Nine Companions alone in peace for the last few years, but it was time for a change. Besides, causing the King of Gondor and Arnor trouble was just too much fun to resist.

Aulë fashioned an exquisite girl from alabaster, gold, and precious gems. Vaná gave her beauty and grace. Nessa took time to teach the creature how to dance. In a short while, their creation was complete, and she was sent to Middle-earth and set down a few feet from her target.

Legolas never saw it coming. One moment he was quietly ridiculing a particularly manic-looking goodwife, the next a teenaged girl had appeared before him. Clad in a purple silk _thing_ that revealed everything, the young woman blinked her gigantic sapphire eyes and tossed her silken gold hair, which flowed poetically down to her perfect behind. She stepped closer to Legolas, moving with a gait that emphasized how very well endowed she was. Beautiful, graceful, everything an adolescent male human daydreamed about, the girl extended a slim hand to the elf.

"Who…who are you?" he gasped, wide-eyed.

"Marilyn Xandra Marguerite Allianna Scheherazade," she tittered, taking the elf's pale long-fingered hand in her own and weaving her fingers between his. "But all my friends call me Mary XMAS."

"Mary XMAS?" Legolas was finding it hard to breathe, taken completely off guard by the amazing perfection of the human holding his hand.

Elladan and Elrohir stared at him blankly. What was their friend doing? Could he not see the freakish proportions of Mary XMAS or the creepy way she looked at him? Unconsciously, Glorfindel made the guppy face, eyes huge, mouth opening and shutting like a fish.

"Oh, yes, my dear," purred Mary XMAS, pushing up against Legolas. Her body molded perfectly to his. The twins and Glorfindel looked away from this obscene sight.

"Should we do something?" Elrohir hissed to the others.

"We should," Glorfindel said weakly.

But Elladan was smiling as if Yule had come a day early. "We could do that," he mused evilly, "or we could bring this…creature to the Yule feast tomorrow."

"Oh." Glorfindel was speechless, still making the guppy face.

Elrohir was grinning too, now. "I like that plan."

The three elves turned to glance at their friend, who was now passionately kissing the creepy teenage mortal and looked as if he would soon be progressing onto other things. They looked back at each other, slightly green.

"Are you sure about this?" Glorfindel asked, feeling nauseous.

"Oh, yes. Arwen and Gimli will snap him out of it, eventually."

"And then Aragorn can use his healing abilities to solve all the mental scarring," Elrohir added triumphantly.

"I suppose Éowyn would be willing to dispose of the wench," Glorfindel mused, getting into the spirit of things.

"I mean, look at them! They seem so happy!" Elladan gestured at the otherwise occupied couple, then winced away, now practically emerald. "And when Legolas has recovered, he can rest assured knowing that his friends love him enough to save him from such a creature."

"Except for us."

"Well, Elrohir, he can't stay mad at us for more than several decades," chuckled Glorfindel.

"My friends," Elladan smirked, "we simply must allow our dear elf prince this escapade in love. What better Yule present could we get him?"

The Valar smiled as they watched the ellyn escort their friend and his ladylove to a secluded inn and vowed to pick them up the next morning in time for the feast. Oromë and Tulkas's idea was flowering beautifully. This promised to be a very diverting Yule.


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